http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/nov/13/sun-apologises-misspelling-soldier

‘Autism is not a term to be used for political insult’, declares the Times in its second EU-focused comment piece. Noting the French Minister for Europe, Pierre Lellouche’s comments on David Cameron’s EU stance, the paper calls the outburst ‘absolutely unacceptable’. Autism ‘is no substitute for poor jokes or political insults’, concludes the paper.

In a flippant final view on the EU, the Times considers the Belgian Prime Minister, Herman Van Rompuy’s candidacy for the newly-created role of President of the EU. Citing the Prime Minister’s love of Haiku, the paper conjures up poetic forms of policy:

Many think the EU is bananas,

But not in a bent way.

Because that wouldn’t be permitted.

‘Battle postponed’ outlines the Guardian, passing comment on the Conservatives and the EU. ‘Lisbon will stand’, heralds the paper, continuing that ‘the slow, awkward unveiling of the new Tory policy on Europe has been pitiful’, and noting ‘Conservatives have squirmed like intransigent teenagers in the face on an obvious truth: that if they enter government next year, they will have to work with the EU running under new rules, with no possibility of reverting to the old ones, however much British Eurosceptics might squeal’. Going on to dissect the Conservatives’ newly-announced policy on the EU, the paper concludes ‘for the Tories, this is a Europe crisis postponed, not averted for good’.

‘Cameron sets out his European stall’ leads the Financial Times today, pointing out that ‘the overwhelmingly Eurosceptic tone of the Tories is a real political problem for David Cameron’. Examining the suggested legal requirement for referendums outlined by Mr Cameron, the paper worries that the referendum law could ‘block later necessary EU efforts to evolve’, but agrees that ‘the UK deserves better mechanisms for approving constitutional change’.

The Daily Telegraph calls David Cameron’s fall-back plan for Europe ‘coherent and credible, robustly Eurosceptic in tone while wholly realistic in ambition’.

MPs’ expenses

‘A rigorous first step to a cleaner Parliament’, writes the Daily Telegraph of Sir Christopher Kelly’s recommendations for the reform of the parliamentary expenses system, approvingly, calling them ‘surprisingly tough’. Trying not to rub its hands with glee, the paper foresees ‘plenty of battles…ahead before a line can be drawn beneath this scandal’.

The Guardian also goes with comment on Sir Christopher’s recommendations, noting that ‘rigorously policed transparency should end the decline in trust between voters and their MPs, but it will not by itself reverse it’.

‘The proportion of MPs from wealthy backgrounds will rise’, predicts the Times in its second comment piece, examining the link between pay, conditions and the quality of MPs.

Afghanistan

‘Preparing for the worst’ is the leading article run by the Times today. The piece criticises the Prime Minister’s ‘Panglossian handling of Afghanistan’, and anticipates the situation in the country becoming ‘uglier still’. The paper calls for Gordon Brown to ‘spell out the options’ and examines the political situation in Afghanistan, noting that ‘Britain should circumvent Kabul and focus its energy and investment on local governments’. Concluding, the article notes that ‘Mr Brown needs now to focus as single-mindedly on Afghanistan as he did, for a while, on the global economic downturn’.

The Independent headlines its comment section with the assertion that ‘the case for withdrawal from Afghanistan is not yet made’, and calls for a ‘plausible alternative strategy to protect our interests’.

General Motors

The Financial Times applauds General Motors’ decision not to sell Vauxhall and Opel, noting that the company, ‘a dinosaur only a year ago, has emerged Phoenix-like from the ashes of bankruptcy’. The paper asserts that the situation is ‘good for Europe’s car industry’, and goes on to outline the benefits of continued GM ownership, noting that the company’s experience in downsizing in the US over the past year will serve its European concerns well. ‘[GM] may, however, have overplayed its hand’, concedes the article, observing the German reaction to the decision.

All of the broadsheets and the majority of the tabloids focus on the attacks yesterday against British troops in Helmand, five of whom where killed by an Afghan policeman whilst they were resting. Many papers question the role of British troops in Afghanistan and the security of the Afghan police from corruption and bribery by the Taliban. The Times mourns ‘A bloody betrayal’, and the Independent laments ‘Killed by the enemy within’, while the Guardian reports ‘Commanders fear Taliban infiltration as troops hunt assassin’. The Daily Telegraph goes with ‘Betrayed: five soldiers murdered in cold blood’, and the Financial Times looks at the political situation with its report: ‘Brown faces growing pressure after Afghan policeman kills five soldiers’. Meanwhile, the Daily Mail asks ‘What kind of war IS this?’, while the Daily Mirror explains ‘Gunned down as they had tea’ and the Sun notes ‘Cop kills 5 of our boys’.

Reports on David Cameron’s new European strategy come after he outlined his plans to Conservative MPs in a meeting yesterday. In the Guardian, this news is juxtaposed with the resignation of the MEP Daniel Hannan from the Conservative frontbench, along with the reaction of France’s Europe Minister, Pierre Lellouche. The leader is ‘France: ‘autistic Tories castrated UK’’. Elsewhere, the Independent reports ‘Cameron backs down on EU treaty referendum’, and the Daily Telegraph goes with ‘Cameron: don’t make EU a big deal’, while the Times notes that ‘Eurosceptics come to heel for Cameron after he rules out a ‘phoney’ referendum’.

In other political news, it is today reported that MPs have requested a pay rise to counteract the effect of cuts in expenses allowances: the Daily Telegraph notes that ‘Senior MPs push for bumper pay rise after cut in expenses’, while the Daily Express explains ‘MPs: we want £40,000 a year pay rise’.

The Financial Times reports ‘World glut of gas to challenge Russian hold on Europe’s supply’, detailing comments from the International Energy Agency; meanwhile, the Times examines a ‘New attack on cancer with nano-weapon’. The Guardian continues with the Simon Mann release story with the headline ‘‘Now I want Thatcher to face justice,’ says mercenary Mann as he flies back to Britain’. Finally, the Financial Times headlines ‘Germany and Russia furious at Opel blow’, after General Motors announced it would not be selling its European plants, Opel and Vauxhall.

On the financial pages, the Independent continues coverage on the GM announcement, detailing that while Berlin is furious with the cancelled sale, ‘GM sale U-turn ‘pleasant surprise’ for Vauxhall’. The Daily Telegraph looks to the political situation with ‘Mandelson to back GM plans for Vauxhall’, and the Times headlines ‘General Motors ‘toss of a coin’ decides fate of Vauxhall’.

The Financial Times goes with news that consumer spending over the Christmas period has been predicted to rise by Sir Stuart Rose: ‘Consumer spending on the way back, says Rose’ is the headline. The Independent goes with ‘M&S optimism on economy grows as profits beat forecasts’, but the Daily Telegraph takes a different tack on the story with details that ‘UK is ‘skint’ says M&S chief Rose’.

‘Intel faces fresh bribery charge’ reports the Financial Times on its business pages today, after New York’s attorney-general filed new charges over the computer giant’s use of ‘illegal tactics’. The Guardian’s business pages carry the headline ‘RBS chief’s bonus linked to lending targets’, outlining that any bonus paid to Stephen Hester, Royal Bank of Scotland’s chief executive, would be linked to the bank’s hitting the lending commitments demanded by the Treasury.

The Times goes with ‘Wigley takes centre-stage in ITV’s long-running chairman drama’, reporting that Bob Wigley, the leading City financier, has emerged as the front-runner in the race to find a successor to Michael Grade. In other television news, the Guardian reports that ‘Lord Burns poised to replace Luke Johnson as Channel 4 chairman’.

The full ratification of the EU’s Lisbon treaty makes several front pages this morning, The Times opening coverage with the headline ‘From nights of anguish to dawn of a new Europe’, and The Independent picturing Angela Merkel and President Barack Obama during the German Chancellor’s visit to Washington yesterday, headlining ‘Heard the one about the Lisbon Treaty?’. The Guardian examines the Conservatives’ reaction to the Czech Republic’s agreement to sign the treaty with ‘Cameron to shed ‘cast iron’ pledge on EU vote’, while the Daily Telegraph knits two potentially explosive issues together with its headline ‘Power drains away to EU as treaty gets go-ahead…meanwhile MPs continue to haggle over their expenses’. The majority of tabloids are infuriated by the move, the Daily Express declaring ‘Britain: The End’, and the Sun appropriating a Stevie Wonder hit: ‘Signed. Sealed. Delivered. Up yours!: Britain betrayed as hated EU treaty is finally made law’

Chancellor Alistair Darling’s announcement to make more funding available to consumer banks is analysed today, the Daily Telegraph doing the maths and fuming ‘£4,350 a family to bail out banks’. The Financial Times explains ‘Government gives £37bn of new bail-out cash to RBS and Lloyds’ on its front page.

The official pardoning of mercenary Simon Mann, who was sentenced to 34 years in jail by courts in Equatorial Guinea, is covered in-depth by several of the papers: the Guardian intimates ‘Mercenary Mann is free’, while the Times goes with a 2-page spread detailing that ‘He’s out of jail and on his way home – with a story worth a ‘splodge of wonga’’.

The move by General Motors to halt the potential sale of its European concerns in the UK and Germany is covered on front pages as well as the majority of business sections. The Times devotes its third page to exploring the proposed plans by the UK government to secure jobs at the Vauxhall plant in Ellesmere Port after the move. ‘GM scraps plan to sell Vauxhall’ is the headline. Meanwhile, the Financial Times goes with ‘Shock as GM moves to retain Vauxhall and Opel’.

Other news is mixed, the Guardian going with an exclusive on the call by Kim Howells, Foreign Office Minister, to start a phased withdrawal of troops from Helmand: ‘Labour splits over Afghan war strategy’ is the headline. The Independent celebrates a win in the courts of appeal for employees who hold beliefs about environmental practices: according to Mr Justice Burton, employees should be protected under the employment equality laws. The headline reads ‘Green beliefs win legal protection’. The Daily Telegraph intimates ‘University blow to middle class’, reacting to yesterday’s announcements on changes to the higher education sector by Lord Mandelson. The Independent relates ‘EU’s climate-change fund falls short, warns UN chief’, detailing that UN secretary general, Ban Ki-Moon, has warned that the proposed deal of up to £48 billion a year by Europe to assist developing countries to protect themselves from global warming will not be adequate.

The Financial Times devotes its front-page headline to ‘Buffet bets $27bn on US’, and charts the billionaire investor’s biggest acquisition ever.

On the business pages, the decision to release further funding to British banks fuels much in-depth analysis this morning; The Times reports ‘Darling warns RBS could still need more money after £33.5bn bailout’, and he Daily Telegraph explains ‘Lloyds and RBS given a further £40bn’. The Independent goes with a 2 page spread on bank bonuses, following the funding announcement, headlining ‘Knives out in the City as the banks battle on’.

The cancelled sale of Opel and Vauxhall spills onto the financial pages, as it is examined by the Guardian under the headline ‘GM cancels sale of Vauxhall and Opel’.

Also spanning both main and financial news is the move by Warren Buffet’s firm Berkshire to buy America’s second-largest railroad, Burlington Northern Santa Fe. The Times goes with the headline ‘Betting that America is on the right track’.

News also comes of a shake-up at Barclays bank, resulting in the leaving of Frits Seegers, head of the global retail and commercial banking arm. The Daily Telegraph notes ‘Barclay’s ousts Frits Seegers in ‘boardroom coup’’, while the Financial Times reports ‘Surprise shake-up at Barclays’, detailing that the bank has handed more power to Bob Diamond, head of the investment banking arm.

In other banking news, the Independent worries that ‘Bank of England faced with its biggest split on policy in a decade’, as the paper anticipates the Monetary Policy Committees’ plans to discuss pumping more billions into the economy.

The Guardian reports today that ‘House prices increase for sixth month’, going on to explain that the cost of a home rose by 1.2 per cent in October according to Halifax.

Send me links of hilarious/horrendous examples of journalism if you want, or just help yourself to a serving of jumbled criticisms sprinkled with the occassional soupçon of wit. You want fries with that?